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No. Not the car campaign. Not the lense. My life. And let me be the first to say IT'S TIME TO SLOW THE FUCK DOWN! Rewind. I had a second baby. As you may gather by my last post in...um...October. We'll get to Liam in a minute. Fast forward. The Huzb got a promotion and we moved to Vernon, BC. Rewind. We sold our first house in 7 days. We staged our first house in 2 weeks. We moved out of our first house temporarily for 15 days. We had packers come in and wrap up all of our belongings and put them in a very large (pretty sure I counted 18 wheels) truck. We got on a plane once with our dog and again with our kids and trecked the lot of us across the country, and three time zones. Fast forward. I am currently sitting in a cute little cottage over looking very large rolling hills (some call them mountains) a tennis court, a field, and a bird feeder. Every morning I wake up and see the tops of the trees dusted with snow. This cute little cottage sits in a row of ten other cute little cottages just off the main drag. It's pretty funny that something 15 minutes out of town can be called a cottage. But that's small town life. Rewind. I moved to a small town? Fast forward. This little place we are staying in will be my most poignant memory in years to come of our very first experience in this new town. That just occured to me. Present. Let me start at the beginning.

Me.

I've taken a break. A step back from all of this. Not because I wanted to as much as that I simply had no time. No time to physically sit down and put thoughts in black; but even more so, no time mentally to think, create and cohesively string a sentence together. The last long while I have been away. Away from who I am, who I know. Another Me has been here. A good Me too, not that the other is not. But the Me who gives up all of herself temporarily for a better state. A magical state. A foggy, bogged-down, sleep deprived, relentless-on-the-body state. That state which I have been in this past while, is Tiny's entrance. And while Tiny and I have been getting to know each other, Me has changed once again. It's cliche. It's ironic. It's nothing new. But it's also powerful, encouraging and incredibly satisfying to come out the other side feeling the way I do now. A little more clear headed, a little more balanced, a little more wise. Tiny, as you will read, has added another level of Me to make Me an even better one.

I watch.

I watch you, as we read bedtime stories together. A ritual that started from virtually day one. I watch, as you ask me Why? and What's That? and Who Else? I watch, as you absorb the illustrations and the words. I watch, as you make tiny connections that transform into thought. I watch, as you rub your bunny ears and relish in the comfort that is this. I watch.

I watched, as you took your first tumble. I watched, as you held your head high. I watched, as you took your first spoonful. I watched when you walked with pride. I watched, when you ran into daycare. I watched, when you cried with distrust. I watched, when you smiled at your art work. I watched, and I watched, and I watched.

You watch, as I change his diaper. You watch, as I feed him at dawn. You watch, as we cuddle together. You watch, as he reaches for you. You watch, and I learn all along, it is me who has grown.

The Perfect Day of Gifts

First, we thought about you. How you would look, how you would sound, what your name would be. Then, you were born and we couldn't imagine ever wondering these things. Your eyes are magnetic, your voice brings smiles from miles away, your name, while you are only just over a year old, suits you perfectly: Beautiful, strong and with many colours and variations. Olivia - what we didn't know, and what we have found out a little more every day since the days before you were born, is how much joy and harmony and love you bring into our lives. I could sit here all day for ever more describing these instances and moments and still not have enough stories and words to fill my pages. So for today, I will tell but one.

Today is Sunday May 10, 2009. Today, is Mother's Day. Today, you took your first steps. This morning I woke up to the sounds of you babbling and chatting softly to yourself in your bedroom. Otis came bounding up the stairs and jumped up on our bed while Daddy crept into your room to turn on your musicbox. This generally keeps you happy until one of us returns with your morning bottle...a routine that has started since I've gone back to work and our mornings have sped up way more then even I like. We'll be working on breaking this habit soon. Daddy brought you into our room and together you handed me a card. It was so sweet, written with kind words and included a note that told me Daddy and I are going away on a special weekend getaway and spa soon! Oh how we need this! We all got dressed and hopped in the car to head out to our favourite breakfast spot. After a few false starts we finally made it and had a great time stuffing our faces with pancakes, waffles, sausages and bacon. Daddy and I drank way too much coffee and you had way too many pancakes but we had such a great time. After a quick trip to Home Depot for some potted plants we were home in time for a late morning nap.

The rest of our day was more of the same. Family time, napping, gardening and laughs. For the first time in a long time, Daddy and I were able to just sit and enjoy the company of our family. I think you caught on, I really do because it was at that very moment, when you decided to get up and walk. I had set up a blanket on the front lawn so that we could watch Daddy do a few things in the front yard. You and I were sitting and playing with some toys I had brough outside, but you really were much more interested in waving at everyone who walked by the house. So I started tickling you and making you giggle. We were playing this game where you would stand in front of me and hang your head backwards to look upside down. It's one of your favourite games right now - you laugh so hard I think you're peeing your pants for sure! Then you looked at me and I knew. I stood you up and I don't know why, but I said to Daddy, watch this, Livvie is going to walk.

AND YOU DID! You stood in front of me and took two steps towards me. Then you plunked down to your knees and let out the biggest giggle. Smiling from ear to ear you looked at me. I stood you up again. This time, you stood there, holding your arms out in the air for balance. And laughed. You looked at me, you looked at Daddy, and then you walked again. One, Two, Plunk! Down on your knees. And the giggles continued. You made it to three steps before you decided that was it and fell into my arms for a hug. Together we laughed and as tears streamed down my face I thought to myself: Words can not describe this. The joy that filled that moment was indescbribable to anyone other then us. And that is what makes us a family. That is what makes me the luckiest Mother in the world. That, my sweet Loulou, is the perfect gift.

Olivia is one.

February, 2008.

The month you were born. I will never forget it. It was sunny, extremely cold and the city was frozen and snow-bound. But while everything around us slept, you were waking up and getting ready to meet the world. I have a vision of you that I will always carry with me; on the day you came home. Your features were porcelain-like. You looked like a little doll. You lay perfectly still swaddled up tightly in your bassinet, and you slept. Perfect bow-lips, plump little cheeks, and the tiniest, daintiest fingers I have ever seen. You slept.

Spring.

Poetically, with the change in seasons you began to wake up. You found your smile, you started to open and discover your hands, and you continued to kick those little legs. At 11 weeks you rolled over for the very first time. Our days were spent feeding and sleeping and I watched your every move to see what you'd discover next. You got pretty good at batting your toys on your bouncy chair, and you started to roll over. When we weren't eating and sleeping we would plan an outing. Usually, this would be one of three places: Loblaws, Shoppers, or Auntie Mia's. These days were hectically quiet, you grew as I healed, and together we started to really get to know each other. That spring, your Daddy worked very hard on finishing the basement so that we would have a place to set up your play zone, which all too soon would become quite handy.

Summer.

The lazy days of summer encapsulated us in a way that is virtually indescribable looking back. You continued to grow and change by the minute. Your swimming pool eyes were here to stay as you watched and bloomed with the world around you. You were doing very well holding your head up and making slow and brief attempts at crawling. You cut your first tooth at 5 months! The first in so many milestones to come, and little did we know, one that would be a very prominent fixture until all of them were in! You had all the textbook signs and symptoms, the drool cough to boot, but you hung in and we made it through. Now? A smile full of beautiful pearly whites. You also started eating real food. I can still smell the peaches boiling in our little kitchen, while you smiled wide-eyed in your high chair as you watched me make your food. You were very excited to try new foods and especially loved bananas, peaches and pears. Visits with Dax and Bella, my virtual second daughter were regular and we had no idea, or maybe we did, how lucky we were to be experiencing this first year in tandem. Together, going through each and every mini-milestone. We shared our every thought, fear and experience - one that I will never forget. A bond of friendship that was sealed years before grew deeper this year because of you and Anabella, and for that I know we are both left without words and with swelling hearts. Strollerfit and Starbucks became a part of our weekly regime, along with neighbourhood walks and shopping trips. Bliss.

This summer, your Daddy worked so hard, almost too hard on our house. He built our back deck, he finished our basement, he worked long days and nights to make this place a comfy and happy home. We managed to get away on our first family trip to a cottage. It was hectic and exhausting but so fun to take you to a new surrounding. You took your first dip in a lake, you watched the birds and you continued to smile those ear to ear smiles. You are such a happy little bean. We have such a happy little family and because of you, our bond is deeper and greater then ever before.

Fall.
The heat of the summer carried on into fall and we got to experience one of the most warmest and beautiful Indian summers on record. Almost over night, you had turned into a little human, sitting up, babbling and chatting away and holding your own bottle. You seemed to be quick at developing and very keen and eager to progress. You are not one to sit back and observe-- Not surprising looking at who made you, but so amazingly fascinating to watch you think and process and develop your thoughts into actions. You made many sounds and spoke your own little language, but by far the most common, and humorous was the Livvie growl. Perhaps it was the vibration feeling it made in the back of your throat, or simply the response you got from us. Regardless, it was hilarious and a staple in your daily repertoire. Otis continued to walk gingerly around you, still sensing that you were still delicate and little. Although some of his old character started to return and his sly, stealthy ways of stealing your stuffed animals commenced. He simply couldn't control his urge to taste a plush stuffed toy. Something we'll likely fight him on for years to come. On the flip side, look what he allowed you to get away with. Before the weather turned cold we managed to get in our long discussed girlsweek up at Daxi's cottage. It took hours of planning but well worth the relaxation that was to come. Okay, who's kidding who here? It was not relaxing at all! It was work. But it was good to be 'working' in another place. We walked the beach, drank wine and watched you girls as we always do, take in your surroundings. You never stopped moving, ever, and your new trick that week was rolling. You rolled all over that cottage floor -- under the table, around your bouncy chair, pretty much out the door! Nanners says you're going to be trouble one day. HA! Ain't that the truth. And just like that, as the fall came to an end, and the crisp air overruled the heat of the sun, you changed once again.

Winter.

In my mind, winter was a mix of many emotions. Something about this time of year always makes me pensive. I suppose it's a combination of many things, but in particular, this year caused me to be even more reflective as we were in the final days of my mat leave, of our year together. Made doubly reflective by the fact that I wasn't just wrapping up my first year with you, and with us as our new family, and all the other adjusting and readjusting that came along with it...but also an end to a year that I knew, I know, will never be repeated. Like anything, all great things come to an end, so as the year came to a close, I watched with even more eagerness, even more adoring eyes, every move, sound, and discovery you made. At Christmas time you learned to crawl. It made life all that more interesting, and kept me running, but it was also so terrific to watch you in action. You are such an adventure baby and you were beside yourself with joy when you actually figured out that you could MOVE! "Livvie on the Move" is what we said mostly in the month of December. Your world had changed forever, and off you went! Crawling and motoring across the carpet with determination and purpose. That's my Loulou. You always have a plan. The holiday season overall was wonderful. The three of us and Otis snuggled in our basement with a blazing fire...dinners and drinks with friends and families. Enough feasts to last us through to spring.

Today.

And here we are...it is your first birthday. You are one today. ONE. Never in my wildest dreams could I have guessed how much 12 months could change my life. Never in my deepest thoughts could I have imagined how much joy you could bring me. And now, just like that, life is about to change again. I swear I was pregnant with you yesterday. I swear I was just looking at you on that sonogram. I swear I was just changing your diaper for the first time. And yet, now, you are going to daycare. I am going back to work. And I have no idea what is around that corner. I am scared, I am sad, I am happy, I am relieved...but most of all I am proud. Proud to have survived year one with you. Proud of all of your mini-milestones. Proud that you have been able to start out life on the right foot. Proud that you are mine. Happy First Birthday my Loulou. I love you more than you know. I am always right here. We are always right here.

I love you, Mommy.

Happy Birthday Anabella!

My Dear Sweet Bella Bells,

It's you BIRTHDAY!
How is it possible that today, you are ONE!?

The first time I saw you, you looked like this:

I remember coming to meet you in the hospital and holding you for the first time. I was so overwhelmed with joy I had tears streaming down my face. You are so beautiful Bella and I want you to know how much happiness you have brought into my life.

You see, you don't really know this yet, but over this past year your Mommy and I have spent quite a few days together. Oh, and nights too, if you count frantic text messaging! And so I've really gotten to know you. I'm so lucky. You are a smart, beautiful, strong, happy and cautious little one. You like to take it all in, assess the situation, then make your move. You are just like your Mommy in so many ways. At first you weren't too sure about me. You used to look me straight in the eye and glare at me. Heh. But I didn't take it personally. I knew I'd win you over! I want you to know that you are like a second daughter to me, I love you like my own little Livvie and I will always be here if you need me ok?

Well Happy Birthday my little Bells!
We love you!

xo
Auntie Em.

Double Digits.

Hi Loulou!

Today is January 13, 2009. You are 10 and a half months old! Let's take a few minutes to see where things are at here. You are sleeping - the house is quiet. Daddy is watching the news and Otis is sleeping at the foot of our bed.

Sleeping. Yes. The question every parent loves to ask. You are still a wonderful sleeper. You go down like clockwork every night at 6:45 and wake up just before 7am. You chat and squeal happily in your crib until 7:15ish when Daddy heads off to work and we start our day. You have, however, become somewhat of a light sleeper. I'm really hoping this is a phase. Right now, every little creek in the house wakes you up, of course the hard wood floors don't help. You had a few unsettling teething weeks recently so I think that's the reason. Apart from that you're still on two solid naps a day and happy as can be! You have decided (like your Mommy) that sleeping on your belly is best and for a while we called you the wind-up doll because you'd fall asleep sitting up then hunch over like in the picture here. Your legs are right under your blanky just under your chin.

Teething. Livvie, you have 8 teeth! You are a teething machine and you are being so brave and tough about it. Your drooling has stopped temporarily, but you love to suck on your fingers and frozen wash clothes and well, despite my wishes you are still chewing on that crib rail. Please stop. Auntie Daxi says I should pick up a crib rail guard from Canadian Tire. Do I have to kid? Huh? Do I?

You are on the move!! I can't say that I was prepared for this. At. All. Not only are you crawling, but you have speeds! You have the Window Shopping Crawl. This is your casual saunter crawl where you take a few strides then plop back on your bum to check something out before moving on. Then there's the One Foot Crawl. This is your attempt at walking I think. It's one of your latest moves and it's hilarious to watch. You crawl forward then prop your right foot up on the floor and try to push upwards. You're not quite strong enough yet so you sit and bounce for a bit before pushing off to crawling again. You think it's funny too. And finally, the Turbo Crawl. This is the one I wasn't ready for. This is your way of getting the heck outta town quick! I can tell you this little one, you are coordinated! Those arms and legs are moving in syncopated rhythm faster then 5/4 time and you are outta there! You usually use this manoeuvre when you're getting ready to wind down for nap and/or bed time. It's your final burst of energy and shortly after this you usually lie flat out on the floor with your head into the carpet, letting out a few breaths of relief. No, I'm not kidding, you really do this! You're a little bit of an actress. I'll try to get this on film for your files ;).

While I wasn't ready for the Turbo Crawl, I can admit that I was also not prepared for your need and constant, that's right C-O-N-S-T-A-N -T desire to climb. All you want to do is climb. Anything. Stairs, filing cabinets, dresser drawers, walls. You're not Spider Woman hun, promise you're not and if you try to shimmy up the wall you will fall. You are so much like your Daddy it's amazing. I just love watching you explore. As soon as you're standing your eyes light up and you get the sly little grin on your face. I can only imagine what you're thinking. And for this reason, we have installed baby gates, light socket protectors, drawer stoppers, table corner pads and rubber bath mats. You Are ACTIVE. Enough said.

Words and Noises. When I ask you "What does a Doggy say?", you reply: "Rarararara". When I ask you "What does a cow say?", you reply: "oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh". And when I ask: "What does a Duck say?" you reply with a very high pitched: "duhduhduhduh". Needless to say you are very vocal. You have just started copying me. If I whistle, you respond with a high pitched "ah". If I whisper, you lean your head very close into me and smile. And when I make funny faces you laugh and make a kissing/popping sound with your mouth. I can see you trying to make sense of it all and it is truly amazing. You are so interested in the world around you and I'm so glad that you see the world with humour and smiles. You have a happy-go-lucky attitude and embrace the world with open arms. You are like me in this regard. Lastly, and everyone is pleased about this one, you still have your signature "Growl" that you like to incorporate into your daily babble as much as possible. You growl all the time kid and it's too funny!

We made it through our first cold together over Christmas. You had a few days of runny nose, watery eyes, sad nights and dry cough. You also had a mystery rash while up at Grampa's in Collingwood that appeared on your back, bum and thighs one morning. I was ready to rush you to emerge but within the hour after waking it was gone. We figure you had a little heat rash.

Celebrating your first Christmas was such a gift in itself. You have so many people that love you Olivia, you are so lucky. We spent time with all of your Grandparents, Aunties, Uncles and close friends. You had not one but 2 visits with Santa, both on the same day sorry about that, a little overwhelming but you hung in there! And by the end of the holidays, before you starting yelling at me (literally you were yelling at me, like this: Ahhhhhhhhh Mom, enough! Get these people out of my face and put me to bed!), you mastered the art of opening and ripping apart presents. The best fun in the world isn't it? I think Christmas morning this year was the best Christmas ever. It was spent, just the three of us and Otis, in the living room of our first house. So many firsts this past year my little Liv. Daddy and I sipped on Veuve and OJ while you played in the mess of crinkly wrapping papers and ribbons with Otis. It was magic.

There is so much more that you are doing on a daily basis and there truly isn't enough words in the world to tell you how much joy you bring to me and to your Daddy. We watch you every day and our hearts explode with happiness, pride and adoration for you. It breaks my heart to think that in a few short weeks things are going to change around here. Soon, I have to go back to work which means we won't be spending as much time together. I can only hope that I have given you a good start by being right beside you and that moving forward you know that I am always here for you. I am always right beside you Olivia Jane.

I love you,
Mommy.