Quick chat about my attitude

Yeah I'm pregnant and Yeah I'm a fucking moody bitch. But hold the phone people, that broad on the subway today was Out Of Line!

The scenario:
It's 8:59 am. Tuesday. I'm on the subway heading to work. It's hot. It's crowded. The air smells like ass and the guy standing next to me ate garlic and red wine for dinner last night. OH YES HE DID!

Me and my pregnant ass are wedged nicely around the subway pole and between 5 or so random travellers who are almost as miserable as the subway conductor who no one can hear unless you happen to be wearing a Whisper 2000. (I have a story about w2000, another time another place perhaps).

The intruder:

So here I am. Standing. That's right. Mindin' ma business. Trying to concentrate on the good things in life as opposed to that nasty fucker standing next to me. (You are lucky, you are carrying your first born child, you have a roof over your head, a nice roof in fact and Oh CHRIST YOU SMELL MOTHERFUCKER!) As we pull into the next station a woman starts to push her way through the mass and into me. "Excuse ME" she hisses in my ear as the subway wheels are screetching around the corner. Subway lady thinks it's time to make a move to the front doors. "No problem, I say, "it's alright, everyone is getting off at the next stop".

The conflict:

Subway Lady looks at me and says in one of the snottiest voices I've herad all week: "Oh Wow, aren't you the smart one". Okay. Here's where I start to get a little pissy. Who the fuck does this broad think she is? A) It's now 9:07am on a rainy tuesday morning. B) There is no possible movement in the train and C) Need I remind her that I'm knocked up and unable to navigate with the train as it rides the rails? I respond with a short and painfully dissapointed tone in my voice: "Ohhhhhhh, Shut up."

The escape:

The subway arrives at the next stop and the doors open. Subway Lady, who is clearly a loser and a fucking coward, turns to me as she shoves past me and says: "You'r Ugly!". HAHA! The first thing that came to mind as I laughed at her comment was that I immediately had to pee. But with all my might I pushed the IPU (Inappropriate Pee Urge) aside and replied lightheartedly: "Is that the best you've got?" Subway Lady bolted past me and off the train and as she sped along the platform our eyes met through the subway glass. The subway pulled away and I winked.

Don't fuck with me. I'm simply not in the mood.